Spam of the month

More like spam of the quarter, to be honest, if not of the year. I don't get as much funny spam as I used to — either the glory days of the Nigerian scam e-mails are long gone, or the spam filters are getting better — probably the former :) Nevertheless, recently I got the following masterpiece.

Good day.

Dont consider on my illiteracy, Im from India.

Don't worry, my criminally-minded friend! You have just the perfect mixture of illiteracy and stiff pomposity that is practically the job requirement of a scammer :)

We put mine virus on your device.

How very intriguing. On the one hand, using “mine” instead of “my” lends the text a delightful touch of archaism, but on the other hand I think that even centuries ago it would not have been used like this unless the noun after it started with a vowel. . .

Then I pilfered all personal data from your OS.

LOLOLOL “pilfered” :))) I can only imagine that the author started his career as a street urchin, a little scamp who made his living as a pickpocket before he progressed to sending scam e-mails.

Withal I received some more then just data.

Ohhh yeah, first “pilfered” and now “withal”. . . keep doing this, I'm almost there. . .

The most entertaining compromising which I stole — its a record with your wanking. I installed malware on a porn page and after you loaded it. As soon as you selected the video and tapped on a play, my malware instantly loaded on your system.

I love the sudden transition from the old-fashioned formality of the previous sentences to the plain, honest directness of “wanking”. Good job! And I'm particularly impressed that you managed to do this on a computer with no camera. You might want to patent this fabulous new technology, it would probably make you more money than sending scam e-mails :)

After setup, your front-camera shoot the video with you self-abusing,

Ah, there he goes, switching into Victorian schoolmaster mode again. By the way, on the subject of “self-abuse” vs. “wanking”, I recommend this hilarious comment from an old blog post (jeez, the sort of things I find buried in my memory :]. . .).

moreover I saved precisely the porn video you selected. In next few days my malicious software grabbed all your social and work contacts.

I can practically see your software twirling its moustache and rubbing its hands evilly :))

If you want to erase the records- pay me 510 euro in Bitcoins.
I provide you my Btc number — [redacted]

Sure, bitcoin may have its advantages, but I can't help feeling that some of the old charm of these scams is gone now that they aren't using Western Union wire transfers any more.

You have 22 hours to go after reading. When I see transaction I will eliminate the videotape in perpetuity. Otherwise I will send the video to all your colleagues and friends.

Far be it from me to tell you how to run your business, but it might be better to get people to pay you to avoid receiving a video of me wanking :))

*

Definitely one of the funniest pieces of spam I've had in a long time. The prose is not quite as purple and orotund as in the better sort of Nigerian scammers, but where it really shines is its choice of diction, where I suspect Indian English is unparalleled. You can't help feeling that these people learnt English back in the days of queen Victoria, found that they liked it just fine as it was, and decided never to change anything subsequently. Thus you end up with them using words like “pilfered”, “withal” and, best of all, “self-abuse”. . .