Spam of the month

More like spam of the quarter, to be honest, if not of the year. I don't get as much funny spam as I used to — either the glory days of the Nigerian scam e-mails are long gone, or the spam filters are getting better — probably the former :) Nevertheless, recently I got the following masterpiece.

Good day.

Dont consider on my illiteracy, Im from India.

Don't worry, my criminally-minded friend! You have just the perfect mixture of illiteracy and stiff pomposity that is practically the job requirement of a scammer :)

We put mine virus on your device.

How very intriguing. On the one hand, using “mine” instead of “my” lends the text a delightful touch of archaism, but on the other hand I think that even centuries ago it would not have been used like this unless the noun after it started with a vowel. . .

Then I pilfered all personal data from your OS.

LOLOLOL “pilfered” :))) I can only imagine that the author started his career as a street urchin, a little scamp who made his living as a pickpocket before he progressed to sending scam e-mails.

Withal I received some more then just data.

Ohhh yeah, first “pilfered” and now “withal”. . . keep doing this, I'm almost there. . .

The most entertaining compromising which I stole — its a record with your wanking. I installed malware on a porn page and after you loaded it. As soon as you selected the video and tapped on a play, my malware instantly loaded on your system.

I love the sudden transition from the old-fashioned formality of the previous sentences to the plain, honest directness of “wanking”. Good job! And I'm particularly impressed that you managed to do this on a computer with no camera. You might want to patent this fabulous new technology, it would probably make you more money than sending scam e-mails :)

After setup, your front-camera shoot the video with you self-abusing,

Ah, there he goes, switching into Victorian schoolmaster mode again. By the way, on the subject of “self-abuse” vs. “wanking”, I recommend this hilarious comment from an old blog post (jeez, the sort of things I find buried in my memory :]. . .).

moreover I saved precisely the porn video you selected. In next few days my malicious software grabbed all your social and work contacts.

I can practically see your software twirling its moustache and rubbing its hands evilly :))

If you want to erase the records- pay me 510 euro in Bitcoins.
I provide you my Btc number — [redacted]

Sure, bitcoin may have its advantages, but I can't help feeling that some of the old charm of these scams is gone now that they aren't using Western Union wire transfers any more.

You have 22 hours to go after reading. When I see transaction I will eliminate the videotape in perpetuity. Otherwise I will send the video to all your colleagues and friends.

Far be it from me to tell you how to run your business, but it might be better to get people to pay you to avoid receiving a video of me wanking :))

*

Definitely one of the funniest pieces of spam I've had in a long time. The prose is not quite as purple and orotund as in the better sort of Nigerian scammers, but where it really shines is its choice of diction, where I suspect Indian English is unparalleled. You can't help feeling that these people learnt English back in the days of queen Victoria, found that they liked it just fine as it was, and decided never to change anything subsequently. Thus you end up with them using words like “pilfered”, “withal” and, best of all, “self-abuse”. . .

Spam of the month

If you ever contemplated a career in the exciting world of high-class prostitution, wait no further! This piece of spam that I got today can help you :)

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxx@xxxxxx.in>
Subject: Custom escort web site design.

If you are an upscale Independent Escort or an Escort Agency and want to attract high-quality clientele, you need a website that stands apart from the rest.

We are a team of 30 Professional mostly specializes in custom escort web site design with content managers and SEO services for Adult or related businesses.

Etc., etc. :)))

Who would have thought that spammers would get so specialized, and that web design for upscale escorts is a big enough niche that a company with 30 people can focus just on that. . .

Short and not so sweet

A few weeks ago I put my new e-mail address on the sidebar of this blog, and it immediately started receiving a steady stream of spam mail, consisting almost entirely of Nigerian scammers. I have just received what must be the shortest and cheapest Nigerian scam of all time:

From: xxxxxx@msu.edu
Subject: (no subject)

I have a project worth $5.2, if interested, reply via: xxxxxxxxx@qq.com

Who could resist the lure of $5.2? And I wonder if he means two cents or twenty cents; in a project of such magnitude, the difference of 18 cents is a nontrivial one :)

Spam meseca

OMG, tako bizarnega kosa spama pa že lep čas nisem dobil. Nekaj odlomkov iz te 11 KB dolge mojstrovine:

VARUHI MOČI SVETLOBE IN INTENZIV AKTIVIRANJA TEH SPOSOBNOSTI
(Guardians of Light Power and Ability Activation Intensive)

19 dnevna edinstvena multidimenzionalna možnost

Ne pa tako kot naši konkurentje, ki vas najprej sploščijo v premico...

da, globinsko transformirate svojo zavest,

Z našim novim ultra super duper turbomatic globinskim sesalnikom z rdečo črto po sredi! In če pokličete v naslednje pol ure...

podzavest, nadzavest in instinktivni um.

Da o slepiču in hemeroidih niti ne govorimo.

Ali ste dovolj drzni, da se spomnite, kdo v resnici ste?

Ali pa celo toliko drzni, da pošiljate okoli spam, poln new-ageovske megle?

Že sedaj rezervirajte čas, za svoje intenzivne, revolucionarne življenjske spremembe, da postanete to, kar ste si že vedno želeli biti.

OK, si bom rezerviral kakšnih 10–20 let, za kolikor bom najbrž pristal v kehi po ropu banke.

Prebudite se! Nadgradite vse svoje sposobnosti iz preteklosti, sedanjosti in prihodnosti.

Recite »NE!« pritisku, ki vas sili v rutinsko delo, k robotskem odzivanju, ki vam ga nekdo podzavestno vsiljuje, osvobodite se, živite v svoji božanski esenci, ki vam omogoča genialne potenciale.

Sem že mislil, da piše „genitalne“, as in: “hot, white, sticky Holy Spirit”...

Bodite VARUH MOČI SVETLOBE,

Tako kot tisti Gorenjec na smrtni postelji: „Žena, otroci, a ste vsi tukaj? Ja zakaj pa potem v kuhinji luč gori?“

Največ trplenja in negativnih problemov, čeprav so izkustva tako splošna, so tako docela na izbiro.

Ja, jaz sem na primer docela izbral, da hočem prebirati vaše obupne pravopisne napake in vsesplošno zblojeni slog pisanja.

Sedaj je čas, da preusmerimo to ogromno količino energije, katera je bila po nepotrebnem potratena za utečene težave in trpljenja.

Raje jo preusmerimo v popolnoma nove in izvirne težave in trpljenja.

Če želite izkušati svojo prvinsko moč… Če želite, da vaša duša svobodno dilha… Če se želite znebiti suženjstva sedanjega, preteklega in prihodnjega časa na vseh nivojih vašega bitja,

...potem vam mi prav gotovo ne moremo pomagati.

Sklicujem vse Varuhe moči Svetlobe, da se tudi v letu 2007 pridružite delavnicam Rowlanda Antona Barkleya, Mojstru Šamanu globoke TransFormacije

In faliranemu programerju, vsaj sodeč po njegovi obsedenosti z velikimi črkami na sredini besed.

in NLP trenerju

„Leti, sinko, leti!“

PREMAGAJMO ZASVOJENOSTI:

Delavnica je izredno uspešna za vse vrste zasvojenosti, kot so cigarete, alkohol, telesna teža, tablete, trde in mehke droge,...

Problem jim predstavlja le še zasvojenost z new-age blodnjami...

ANTOS 1: (Energetic Stability and Healing Activation)
Šamanska iniciacija ter čiščenje telesa, aktivirajte svoje zdravilne sposobnosti

Sliši se tako, kot da se ga bodo najprej na mrtvo zadeli, nato se pošteno skozlali in se na koncu ubadali z zdravljenjem mačka.

OSVOBODIMO SE DRUŽINSKE KARME
( Dinamična Uglasitev Sistemskih Uspehov )

Sponzor dogodka je Snaga d.d. — odvoz kosovnega materiala, coming soon to a place near you! Aja, piše karme, ne krame...

ANTOS 2-3-4 Praktik ANTOS Energetskega Osvobajanja
Naziv po končanih modulih 2,3,4 je; Praktik ANTOS Energetskega Osvobajanja

Tudi vi lahko kradete sosedom elektriko! Vse, kar potrebujete, so klešče, nekaj metrov kabla in noč, ko ne sveti luna!

Modul 2 – Zdravljenje na daljavo – Terapija Višjega Jaza

Glej narcissistic personality disorder.

Modul 3 – Uvod v osebno moč in osvoboditev (eksorcizem)

Bah! Zakaj bi pri eksorcizmu zaupali tem šušmarjem? Obrnite se raje na preverjene strokovnjake z 2000-letnimi izkušnjami :)

ANTOS 5-6-7-8 Mojster Praktik ANTOS Energetskega Osvobajanja

Alias kako nakrasti dovolj elektrike za celo obrtno delavnico ali manjšo tovarno.

Za prihodnje leto pripravljamo ANTOS 9-10-11-12 Mojster MultiPraktik, če se prijavite v naslednje pol ure, pa dobite zraven še knjižico receptov in poseben nož za sekljanje čebule.

TO JE SERIJA, KI JE NAMENJENA VSAKEMU, KI ŽELI BITI OBDARJEN Z OBILJEM NA VSEH PODROČJIH SVOJEGA ŽIVLJENJA,

Ko imaš enkrat zastonj elektriko, je vse ostalo enostavno.

PRAV TAKO JE TO TEMELJ VSEH USPEŠNIH ZDRAVILCEV.

Ni ga čez dobro staro zdravljenje z elektrošoki.

ANTOS Deep Transformational Trance Training
Naziv po končanem modulu je; Terapevt of Deep Transformational Trance

Prinesite s seboj kramp in lopato za kopanje v globino ter radio s čim močnejšimi zvočniki. Plošče s trance glasbo priskrbimo mi.

PROFESIONALNE SERIJE ANTOS INITATION THERAPY SO TAKOREKOČ NEOBHODNE ZA VSE, KI ŽELITE USPEŠNO IN VARNO DELATI Z ENERGIJAMI.

Fakulteta za elektrotehniko jih bo v kratkem uvedla kot obvezen pogoj za sprejem na študij, v parlamentu pa je že v obravnavi predlog zakona, da boš potreboval vsaj modul 6 že za to, da boš sploh smel prižgati luč v hiši, modul 3 pa za prižiganje vžigalic. Slednje podpira tudi ministrstvo za zdravje v okviru svojega boja za preprečevanje kajenja.

SVETOVNO PRIZNANI CERTIFIKATI !!

Natančneje povedano, ljudje širom sveta priznavajo, da če ti zmanjka WC-papirja, so tile certifikati vsekakor boljši kot brisanje s prstom.

SERIJA ZA ANTOS Inicijacijskih Tehnik je sestavljena iz:

• Holografsko Časovno Črtno Zdravljenje: Integracija duše za terapevte

Osnovni tečaj uporablja Riemanna, za posebej zakrknjene primerke pa sta tu še Lebesgue in Stieltjes.

• Goloboki TranceFormacijski Trance Trening

Goloboki? Woo hoo! Hips don't lie!

• Globoka Transformacija Sence: Eksorcizem za Terapevte

Gostujoči predavatelj grof Drakula bo pokazal, kako pacientu najlažje odpravimo senco.

• ANTOS Neurolongvistična Aktivacija

Seveda — menda niste mislili, da se dá do vseh teh trapastih tipkarskih napak priti kar tako, iz gole šlamparije?!

Pogojno za Tiste, ki so zaključili uspešno Inicijacijske Terapije stopnje 1,2 in 3 in 4 in so si pridobili NLP Master Practitioner Certifikat sedaj poleg njega še specialna nadgradnja : certifikat ANTOS Neurolongvistična Aktivacija.

Poceni ponujamo tudi certifikate NLP Master Baiter, Cunning Neuro Linguist in licenco za neomejeno zlorabo velikih začetnic z lastnoročnim podpisom Njenega Veličanstva in celotnega uredniškega zbora oxfordskega slovarja!

• Sile Narave Univerzuma uporabne za Inicijacijsko Terapijo
• Stopnja 666 : Samo ob povabilu: Master Initation Therapist

Pripeljite s sabo še kakšno devico. Sponzor dogodka je K-Y.

P.S. Kakršna koli povezava med kratico ANTOS in nekim Antonom Szandorjem je zgolj naključna.

ZA DECEMBER 2007 NAČRTUJEMO ŠE NASLEDNJE ANTOS-BISERE:

• MAGIČNI PREBOJ DO USPEHA

Seminar bo koordininan z izidom prevoda naslednjega dela Harrya Potterja. Prvih 50 udeležencev dobi zastonj čarobno paličko.

• TAJNI POHOD, ZA PREBUDITEV GENIJA V SEBI

Predavajo prebegli špijoni iz SOVE in drugih propadlih tajnih agencij :)

Garantirano 100% zadovoljstvo! Udeležencu, ki ima ob koncu delavnice občutek, da delavnica ni bila zanj, se povrne celotni znesek plačila delavnice. Pogoji za povrnitev celotnega zneska so: delavnica je bila v celoti plačana pred začetkom delavnice, udeleženec je prisoten na delavnici od začetka do konca delavnice, udeleženec vrne vso prejeto gradivo in podpiše izjavo, da je vse naučeno zanj neuporabno v njegovem življenju. Rowland A. Barkley

OMG :)))) Ne dvomim v to, da se tu skriva nek hakeljc, sem pa zelo radoveden, v čem :))

Sporočilo ste skladno s 45a. členom Zakona o varstvu potrošnikov prejeli na osnovi svoje prijave na spletnih straneh [8< 8< 8<], na osnovi telefonske ali e-prijave, na podlagi priporočila, sodelovanja v nagradni igri, izpolnjenega anketnega lista na prireditvah, seminarjih in drugih podobnih dogodkih v organizaciji ANTOS = ANTOS d.o.o. Črnomelj Če nočeš več prejemati naših emailov klikni tu

Oh, ravno nasprotno! Pravzaprav si jih zelo želim še naprej prejemati, da se jim bom lahko še naprej posmehoval.

Our regularly scheduled advertising break

This arrived in the mail today:

Sir,

lt will interest you to know that i have this product for sale dust Gold 22karat 250kg at a reasonable price.

Yeah, what's a measly $5 million between friends.

i am a citizen of Liberia based in Cote D'Ivoire presently,we have also timbers&Diamond in commercialq quatity for sale at below lnternational price.

Timber and diamonds? Also, freshly plucked chickens, rolex watches, ready-to-transplant human kidneys, and anatomically correct teddy bears. And an award (from the Nigerian Scammers' Chamber of Commerce) for the most ridiculous combination of items sold by a single company.

We have cricks of Lands in Kempamas about 750km distance from Monrovia Capital city under develop.Partnership is needed also if you are interested.

I call your Cricks and raise you a few Watsons...

P.S. Pity they don't have any of that proverbial Mali beachfront property...

lf you are interested or have somebody in need of Gold please contact me on +###-####-#### or through this email.

You want people (or, well, alien demigods) in need of gold? I'm sure Mr Sitchin can help you get in contact with the Anunnaki... :))

Thanks,
  Weah

Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre

Another fine work of literary craftsmanship drug-addled Markov chains, or whatever other statistical gimmick they have bludgeoned into producing their insane verbiage:

From: "Crawford" <jlje@fridaysalibi.com>
Subject: That includes people, pets, televisions, computer monitors, wall decorations, posters, windows, doorways, mirrors and any kind of distracting junk.

Our Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre, movie promotion!

Now I see why he needs an alibi...

P.S. Maybe he means this kind of camp...

Use discretion and good taste.

Because a Nudist Camp Zombie Massacre is the very epitome of good taste :)

View 12 of the superfriends as they journey to Hawaii, the Northwest and Utah to redefine the perfect line! The cost is minimal, and the results can be very rewarding.

Nothing tastes better than the brains of freshly massacred nudist campers.

Although some jealousy is natural, without an easy way to reassure yourself that all is indeed well, the feeling can eat you alive.

It isn't the feeling, it's the zombies!

Our kids are our students.
Meeting single people online has never been easier.

“Allow me to pick your brain, honey...”

Ask him what he likes to eat.

“Whatever's on your mind right now...”

This "assault rifle" is virtually identical to those issued to the United States military troops except it has a couple of improvements.

As recommented by the National Assault Rifle Association, Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency, Bear-Hunting Cripples Anonymous, and the Zombie Squad. And if you call in the next 30 minutes, we'll include a free pack of silver bullets so you can finish off those nasty werewolves and vampires as well.

Kinky spam

This is simply priceless. The best piece of spam I've received in weeks. [As measured here at the ill-advised Spam Research Institute using highly scientific and objective measures such as the number of double entendres per paragraph :-)]

KINKI COMPANY LIMITED.
Japanese Used Motor
Vehicle Importer & Exporters Association
3F Takagi Bld. 1-15-6 Nishi-Shinbashi Minato-ku,
Tokyo 105-0003
JAPAN

ATTENTION:TENDER OFFER TO PROVIDE SERVICES FOR KINKI COMPANY LIMITED.

OMG!! A tender offer to provide services for a kinky company? I had no idea that the sex industry could be so classy. Love me tender, love me sweet...

I am Mr. Eiichi Goto of JUMVEA / Japanese Used Motor Vehicle Exporters Association, we are a group of business men who deal on Cars and import/export into any part of the World.

Eiichi Goto? What a small world this is! So he wasn't eliminated after all! But it's sad to see that he left research and works for the sex automobile industry now. (Note for the uninitiated: “At the IFIP Congress in 1971 I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Eiichi Goto of Japan, who cheerfully complained that he was always being eliminated.”—Donald E. Knuth, Structured programming with go to statements, ACM Computing Surveys, 6(4):264, December 1974.)

We are searching for a Trusted and Truthful Representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our costumers in America, Canada, Europe and some part of Asia, as well as making payments through you to us. If you are interested in transacting business with us we will be very glad.

You would be paid 5% of every payment made through you us. Subject to your satisfactory we shall be introducing you to our costumers in America,Canada, Europe and some part of Asia.

If it's costumers you want, this e-mail could not have arrived at a more auspicious moment! The carnival season is over, the demand for costumes of all sorts has gone down, and the costumers will be delighted to hear of your interest in their work!

Please if you are interested kindly contact: —

Mr. Xioa Cheng
KINKI COMPANY LTD (JUMVEA)
(Personel Manager)
Email: xi_kinki_office@yahoo.com.hk

Oooooh, my. Kindly contact their person[n]el manager in his kinky office. Nope, no double entendres there at all. This has got to be one of those secretary-fetish pr0n web sites.

You are advice to provide him with the following information:
Names:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
occupation:

He will furnish you with further fruitful information.

Fruitful? Haven't you people heard of contraceptive pills yet? Or does this have something to do with the recent Japanese concerns about the extremely low birth rate?

Best Regard,

Mr. Eiichi Goto
President JUMVEA

Sad to see that you sold out to the spam industry, Dr Goto. But still, for old times' sake (no, not that kind of sake :)), best regards to you too, and long may you remain uneliminated!