A well-frozen corpse
Nigerian scam letters are one of my favourite pseudoliterary genres. Here's a nice specimen that arrived today.
I am Barrister.Thomas Kazella,lawyer to late Mr.Morris Thompson who lost his life in plane crash involving Alaska Airline's Flight 261, which crashed on January 31st.2000, including his wife and only daughter.
Mr. Morris Thompson aged 61 hailed from Fairbanks, Alaska in United States of America. He was one of the states's mostprominent native and business leader. All these you are very free to verify from the web link below for more information and clarification about his socio-economic status until his death;
The effort expended by these modern-day ghouls in trawling the web for news reports of old accidents is truly impressive.
Before the demise of my client, he disclosed to me his account status, which amounted to $15.5million (Fifteen million five hundred thousand United States dollars). He also handed over to me some vital copies of documents regarding this fund already trapped at finance house in EUROPE.
Serves him right for trusting those good-for-nothing Europeans.
I was at the last burial rights on February,5th,2000 to pay my final respect to Late Mr.Morris Thompson.
You mean like this?
There I made thorough inquiries about his relatives but,discovered no one really knows about this fund currently sited at EUROPE.
‘At’ Europe? Oh, let me guess. There must be a small town called Europe somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness, where the company keeps the late Mr Thompson's ill-gotten loot in a big block of ice guarded by ferocious polar bears.
Since then, I have made successive attempts to get his next of kin or relative to come forth and claim this fund but to no avail.
Successive but not successful, eh?
As personal lawyer to my late client, I cannot in any way claim it unless someone overseas does so.
Whereupon you swoop in like a bird of prey, leaving the poor shlub of a foreigner empty-handed.
Just two weeks ago, I received a routine notification from the finance house concerning this fund, and the officials of this firm issued a warning, stressing the urgency for late Mr. Morris Thompson's relative or next of kin to come forward to claim this fund immediately or they will have it confiscated and forwarded to the nation's treasury account as an unclaimed fund.
They'll convert it to $100 banknotes and feed them to the polar bears at Europe, Alaska. If there's anything left it will go to the federal budget and help finance the promotion of democratic values among poor benighted Middle-Eastern nations. Mr Thompson may even get a bomb or two named after him...
This is the agreement they have reached at the company and they also reiterated that this is according to the company guidelines.
A wise decision. If they don't feed their polar bears properly, PETA will get on their asses in no time...
Owing to the fact that his daughter whom should have stood a better chance of claiming this fund, also perished in that fatal air crash,
'Twas a good day for the polar bears... “O she was fair, O dear, she was bonnie!”
I want you to stand in as the next of kin to late Mr. Morris Thompson.
A grave so big one can stand in it? Damn those decadent rich people...
Like I earlier asserted,I have in my possession the necessary documents that will enable me to place you in,as the right beneficiary to my late client's fund in this firm.Be informed that upon successful transfer of this money into your account,you shall have 35% of it as your share.
A rather stingy offer. I wouldn't settle for less than 50% plus at least one polar bear.
I must remind you that trust and transparency must be our watchword in the course of this transaction.
I can recommend a few manufacturers of bulletproof glass if necessary...
I will discuss with you in details when I receive your response.
All in all, not a bad effort, but still far below the glory days of the 419 scam. It just isn't the same if there aren't any trunk boxes involved, and no poisoned cocoa merchants and widows of dead dictators of underdeveloped African countries. Nor is the English nearly as ridiculous as in the masterpieces of the genre.