Sunday, January 01, 2006

Funny referral URLs

The dog turns to his vomit again.     
2 Peter 2:22

I installed SiteMeter on this blog a few months ago. Naturally it doesn't get many visitors, but a few amusingly weird referral URLs and query phrases have cropped up in SiteMeter's reports nevertheless.

  • enslave sissies N11
    And from google.ch of all places? This completely changes my opinion of the Swiss people :-)
  • http://www.centravet.fr/en/societe/membres2.html
    “CENTRAVET veterinary surgeon shareholders”
    Needless to say, that web page contains nothing even remotely resembling a link to this blog. I can only guess that some spider, or perhaps somebody using a bizarre browser plugin, is reporting randomly selected referral URLs.
  • Breast-Litovsk ( how the people felt)
    Must have felt good, no doubt! :-) I guess that Freud might have something to say about this one. But the joke is really on me; although I reread many of my posts several times over the weeks after they are posted, I apparently never noticed that I had misspelled Brest-Litovsk. Now I decided to keep the misspelling as it is, just for the amusement value.
  • incest torrents
    Ah, the delightful whiff of notoriety. Too bad I can't claim the credit for the juxtaposition of incest and torrents; they come from appear in (you sick bastard) two quite unrelated posts. It does remind me, however, of that well-known limerick:
    There was a young lady from Florence
    Who for fucking professed an abhorrence;
         But they found her in bed,
         Her quim flaming red
    And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
    I know, I know. It's true that it doesn't have any incest in it, but it's got torrents and bestiality, which should surely count for something.
  • Ahnenerbe "intelligent design"
    Two great tastes that taste great together! I do wonder, however, what do they have in common, except that they are both about pseudoscience with a bit of a political agenda.
  • big ass slim waste
    I'm not entirely sure what they hoped to find by searching for ‘big ass slim waste’, but the phrase reminds me of the title of an old Ninjashot post, the joys of which I'll let you discover on your own.
  • sad britney
    I guess it's only a matter of time before some bored Farker comes up with a sad Britney in snow picture...
  • gollum wanking
    I can proudly report that my post used to rank third place in this MSN search at some point. However, I think that Google returns better results for these query terms (alas, my post doesn't seem to be among them). See in particular this one.
  • "really really lousy sex"
    The only hit for this phrase in Google! Yep, ladies and gentlemen, if it's really really lousy sex you want, now you know where to go for it! :-)
  • Crowell Female perversion in marriage
    This query returns a delightfully quirky set of hits. My blog appears among them by pure chance (the words are scattered over two or three different posts), but it's kind of nice to be in such bizarre company anyway. By the way, the query seems to be the title of a book by one Anthony Crowell. Sounds like a prospective entry for my ToRead list. There's a paperback copy from the 60s on ABE (Brandon House, North Hollywood, CA, 1968), but surprisingly I can't find anything about this book in the catalogue of the Library of Congress, nor in the British Library.
  • shameless blog
    Weird: as can be seen from the URL, this person was looking specifically for Slovenian-language web pages containing the English words "shameless" and "blog"... Still, the word shameless brings back nice memories of one of my favourite poems by Swinburne:
    The shameless nameless love that makes
         Hell's iron gin
    Shut on you like a trap that breaks
         The soul, Faustine.
  • sex theatre
  • euthanasia.ch
    Yep, don't mess with the Swiss.
  • manacles not monocles
    Proudly sponsored by the Association of Anticapitalist Submissives!
  • petrarca frozen
    Those Italians will turn anything into ice-cream.
  • recipes +starlings
    Poor starlings...
  • totaly shocking
    Like, totaly! :) How they must have been disappointed... Besides, what's the use of searching the web for ‘total[l]y shocking’ when you can just go to ogrish.com and be done with it? [P.S. Shame on commenters who introduce spelling errors to my blog! :)]
  • wife of osbert burdett
    I'm intrigued. I've just barely heard of Osbert Burdett, but now it seems that his wife is also a topic of interest...
  • I wrote a book report on Rubicon by Tom Holland
    So did I, but you don't see me bragging about it to Google.
  • hermaphrodite genitalia picture
    From a search engine called ‘Dogpile’, using a bewildering list of hyphens and slashes in the URL, and mentioning a ‘dogpl’ file extension...
  • nikiforos mardas girlfriend
    Oh, great. You read a book, write a post about it, and people start coming to you for gossip about the author's family.
  • himmler's furniture
    Why beat about the bush like this? For better results, be honest and search for ‘human skin lampshade’.
  • what are the advantages of dieting
    Here the naive person would answer: “weight loss”. But the real advantages of dieting are the following two: (1) that smug feeling you get when people around you look at your loss of weight with envy and say things like “I'd have to lose some weight too”, and (2) the cheap and easy feeling of accomplishment — you don't have to think or plan or do anything, you just eat a little less and yet you are rewarded, day after day, by the pleasant sight of seeing your weight decrease every morning when you step on the scales. It's really a perfect thing for the indolent underachiever.
  • illustrated erotic incest stories
    Somehow this person managed to avoid all the genuine porn on the web and reach my blog instead...
  • Memoirs, most memorable whores
    I have no idea what this person was looking for and what they found on my blog. MSN's results for this query don't seem to offer anything very coherent.
  • The Mahabharata coffee book edition
    Yes! A coffee-table book version of the Mahabharata — just the thing for India's burgeoning middle classes. Somebody should tell Taschen about this lucrative new niche. Finally they'll have the opportunity to produce something bigger and more expensive than even the Champion's Edition of GOAT.
  • "everywhere barefoot"
    This person went through practically all 23 pages of Google results for this query. What the heck were they looking for? Resources for wannabe hobbits?
  • diana mosley slimness
    Impressive — somebody is interested in her slimness rather than all the things she was actually famous and/or notorious for...
  • http://duchaine.club.fr/1989.htm
    Again a French page that doesn't contain anything even vaguely resembling a link to my blog. Perhaps it was caused by the same source as the one about French veterinarians.
  • petrarca ww1
    What on earth does Petrarca have to do with WW1? Maybe the Italian soldiers read his sonnets in the rare moments when they weren't busy getting massacred in the trenches?
  • what happened to savages on blondes
    So now I'm supposed to be some kind of chronicler of the ups and downs of the porn industry? The server does appear to be down, but I've no idea why, nor if it's coming back or not. Maybe the blondes have taken their revenge on the site administrators :-)
  • German Nuns raped
    I recommend this webcomic and this joke.
  • nude couple portraits by, Petrie
    Ah, it's nice to be visited by a connoisseur of fine Egyptological porn. Perhaps I may also interest you in our line of topless Cretan snake goddess figurines? Brought to you by Ill-Advised Excavations LLC, purveyors of sleazy antiquities since 2005.

One funny thing about many of these referral URLs from the search engines is that if I visit the same URL, hoping to see one of my posts among the search results for that query, it often happens that none of the results actually point to my blog (even on the previous/next page of the search results, etc.). Apparently the ranking of search results can be fairly unstable and can change quite quickly.

Of course, by posting a list like this, you increase the chances that the same (or similar) search phrases will lead people to your site in the future, not because of the posts that originally inspired those hits, but because of the appearance of these phrases in a list of interesting phrases such as the one above (*cough* naming no names *cough* :-)). Unfortunately I don't know how to prevent it. Some of the HTML <meta> tags can try to discourage robots from indexing a page, but here the content will be placed into several pages by Blogger's software, and I probably don't have control over their <meta> tags anyway. It would be great if a disable-indexing flag was available on a finer-grained basis as well (e.g. as an attribute of <div> or <span>). Another possibility would be to post the list as an image, with no useful text in the alt attribute; but that would be clumsy. So for the time being, I'll just publish the list as it is, and if similar query terms reappear later and seem to be inspired by this list, I'll try to disregard them when compiling similar lists in the future.

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